What does Christmas mean to you? Is the
season about family? Food? Wine? Just kicking back and relaxing? Firing
automatic weapons into the woods, naked, screaming, so drunk you can’t stand? Here
at the Bad Hotel we know that this special time of year can mean many different
things to our guests, and we try and cater for all of your needs. Please note
below the list of special events and features that we are proud to offer this
Festive Season:
Late check out Due to the especially soporific drugs contained in the mulled wine in the evenings, it is unlikely that any guests will be able to physically move until midday at the earliest, so a generous extended check out of 12h15 is offered. Free gift for every guest On the final day of your stay, every guest will receive their own Cursed Amulet, glowering in a beautiful presentation case. We ask that guests do not open their gifts until they have left the hotel grounds, and that the death/eternal terror clauses on your check-in contract are read with particular attention Adoption – special offer! The local experimental biology hospital has been closed down due to government cuts, and as a result, you have the chance to make Christmas special forever for 178 really unique young children. From the ages of 3-10, these delightful little rascals will brighten you homes and hearts well into the New Year. Do note, the Vatican ruling on whether they should classed as ‘unholy’ is still pending. Especially on the one that can start fires with her mind. And the one that lives in your nightmares, leading you into the dark corners of yourself that you prefer to ignore. And the one that appears to control the beasts of the air and swamp. The Christmas Meal The centrepiece of any family Christmas is the traditional Christmas lunch with all the trimmings, and here at the Bad Hotel, we’re going all out on December 25th! The lavish spread will include all that you expect from this magical day, with a special focus on Goose, the original meal for this day, before turkey became so popular. This focus is unrelated to the stories of mass trappings of migrating geese in the area that are currently being investigated with a vigorous sense of purpose by the local police force and that foolish cub reporter who really ought to know better or he’s going to end up in a bag at the bottom of the lake. Completely. Santa’s Elves For those guests raised to think of Elves as delicate, strong, graceful creatures, such as in the popular Lord of the Rings trilogy, the first meeting with these diminutive bad tempered creatures may be a slight disappointment. But once you’ve realised that they are not covered in any way by existing human rights regulations, and that the Hotel has stocked up on high powered tazers for the holidays, we think you’ll see how much fun they can be. Santa Claus He’s old, unhappy and burns with a strange and terrible folk magic, but he’s the original, and he’s all ours for the Christmas period. Condemned to distribute the world’s packages for all eternity, and none too happy about it, he will weep as he tells your little ones of the challenges and horrors of global gift giving. He’s lost more friends and reindeer than you’ll ever know, and if you give him a chance, he’ll go on and on and on about it. Will he ever. Guaranteed snow We have been informed by Those That Control the Sun that their chanting will have reached the feverish pitch required to completely shut down the celestial orb, for a few days at least. So dress warm. Throughout the holiday season, there will be surprises (shocks, really) all throughout the hotel, and while some of them are chasing you down the corridors, slavering, laughing, please do spare a thought for those in the area who are less fortunate than yourselves, and donate generously into the drum marked “RANSOM” near reception. There is still a faint chance of getting back our head cleaner, though we have already her fingers and toes, so how much use she will be is anybody’s guess. Very best Christmas regards, Bad Hotel Management |
By village fetish (@botandy)
RECENT GUEST REVIEWS (read in full)
When I asked to speak to the manager upon checking out, the clerk brought out a large plant with a name tag stuck to one of the leaves. - Daffy I’m still not sure what the ASSORTED MEATS were, but I was assured by the chef they were very exotic, and cut from creatures I’d probably never heard of. I wish I could say more, but after my first glass of water, I don't seem to remember the rest of the evening. - Lucas Curd The butler explained to me in a quaint lisp that my kidneys had become infected and they removed them for me before they caused me any grief. - Mr. Nemo SUGGESTION BOX
If you survive your stay (and I certainly hope you do, you seem lovely) then please put any complaints or compliments into this wooden suggestion box by the reception desk. No, that one is a coffin, the smaller one with the slot on top, there you go. Feel free to discuss the features of the hotel that most exceeded your expectations, and those that did not. For example, did our service result in the loss of life of a loved one, or the extinction of a species? Let us know!
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