By village fetish (@botandy)
Check-in hours are from 14h00, as it takes at least until 12h30 to hose down the corridors, herd the wolves back into their pens, etc. Good morning, and welcome to the Bad Hotel. Checking in? EXCELLENT.
Now I’m sure you will be uncomfortable here, and time will extend onward and for ever, but that’s what you came for, right? Our service has been described by reviewers as <SCREAMS FOR 8 MINUTES> and that’s a standard that we try and live up to every day and every night. Especially at night. When you depart (if you depart), you may be tempted to dabble in the reviewing game – bit of Trip Advisor, a little Hotels.com perhaps. I would remind you, gently, but very seriously, that you have just given us your home address. So think about that. I’d like to give you some basic information about this extraordinary building and her fine history if you have a minute. And you do have a minute, as our cleaning staff are still hosing down your room. The original building was put together to house the collection of medical oddities of a certain Doctor C (his full name has been lost to the intervening years). There are rumours that some of the medical oddities were not preserved in formaldehyde, and roamed the halls, but we would never allow that. Obviously the basement areas are another matter. The rooms are infinite, after a wildly over successful accident created by Mr N. Tesla, who stayed here as a valued guest in 1892. This ‘accident’ has warped all acceptable boundaries of physics, and you will find some of the furthest rooms barely even reside in our dimension. But a hotel stay is about escape, is it not? Now you may have been suddenly startled by the appearance of the creature next to you, but we have found that those beasts able to jump through time and space are excellently suited to moving luggage around the hotel. Yes, please do let go of the bag, dear. Don’t fight it. They can get a little, um... tense. |
If you do survive your stay (and I certainly hope you do, you seem lovely) then please do put any complaints or compliments into this wooden suggestion box by the reception desk.
No, that one is a coffin, the smaller one with the slot on top, there you go. Feel free to discuss the features of the hotel that most exceeded your expectations, and those that did not. For example, did our service result in the loss of life of a loved one, or the extinction of a species? Let us know! Complaints are dealt with robustly by the customer services management cleansing team, and all are dealt with in the strictest (some might say cult-like) confidence. |