Tune In Next Week
Big Brother 2015
By Dan Adie (@Ketamine_Stalin)
Things are changing for the pioneering reality television show this year, and we at Ceefax have the lowdown on what changes are happening for this year’s contestants!
THE HOUSE This year the producers are ditching the Big Brother house in favour of a top secret location has been secured from the Ministry of Defence that includes an underground bunker, derelict barracks, a scaled street used by elite commandos to simulate urban battles and a decommissioned laboratory. The experiments that were being conducted there reportedly tore open a hole in time and space and those trapped inside are currently considered as living Schrödinger humans: no one knows if they are dead or alive. Nothing has been removed from the area: there are weapons and vehicles and communications devices that are still functional. The contestants will be encouraged this year to use everything, including the long and shortwave radios and the Astronomical Observatory. (And as for the original BB house? After fifteen years of bad vibes, weird orgies, preening, screeching, posing, plotting and vindictive behaviour, it started to manifest bizarre supernatural phenomenon. It will used in a new reality TV show in the summer where a group of competing religions, and spiritual beliefs compete to exorcise the building.) THE CONTESTANTS The producers have made lots of changes to the way people have been entered into this year’s show. Firstly, instead of the ten usual contestants, 23 people will be entered into the compound. Only small selections have been selected from the standard audition tapes. The producers have reportedly sign non-disclosure agreements so we’ve had to scour deepweb for clues and leaked emails and we can reveal the following: amongst the contestants there will be people with military backgrounds, convicts, powerful wiccans and people with strange psychic abilities, mad scientists, Russian warlocks the producers had to bargain with the Kremlin with to release from a top secret gulag in deepest Siberia. Also there were strong rumours that a humanoid extraterrestrial one of the inhabitants of the Black Lodge dimension found in the strange Washington town of Twin Peaks and a person from the future would be amongst this year’s contestants. |
And
here’s an interesting twist: none of the contestants know they have
been selected! Instead of an opening show where each of the contestants
are introduced and enter the house, all twenty three people will wake
up in different locations in the complex. Some together, some alone.
Some will have been hypnotised to forget their identity and all of them
will have been drugged to forget the last seventy two hours. The
viewers will learn about each contestant as they learn about each
other.
TASKS We’ve been promised that the producers have abolished the tasks the contestants have had to participate in. What they have been replaced with is yet to be discovered but maybe the thirty locked silver briefcases that have been tweeted from the show’s official account have the answers? THE DIARY ROOM AND BIG BROTHER Also tweeted from the show’s account is what looks like the diary room. It seems to have been designed by the same twisted minds that created video game series Silent Hill. The chair is rumoured to be the electric chair from the American prison commonly known as Sing Sing. Whether it’s wired in is another surprise for both contestants and viewers alike! And Big Brother? We have been promised BB would be a single entity this year. Leaked emails we found on the deepweb strongly indicate that the worlds first Artificial Intelligence has been coerced into being this years Big Brother. How do you go about blackmailing a recently developed AI? Apparently it’s internet browsing history in its first 36 hours of being sentient were ‘interesting’ to say the least. 2015’s season of Big Brother seems to be a game changer. |
Let us know what you’ve been watching. We’ll happily feature your TV listings and episode synopses in our handy guide. TUNE IN NEXT WEEK! |