By Lucas Curd (@ERROR_REDACTED)
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You’re listening to The Truth FM. The time is 5 new minutes past The Beginning, and as always, I am your host, DJ 675-A, bringing you the latest Ministry-approved facts, news and missives to get you through your day.
I have some fantastic news for all of you compliant citizens! The ratings are in, and we are now the #1 Ministry-approved radio show on the air! We’re also the only ministry-approved radio show on the air, but we won’t let technicalities get in the way of being your favourite and only source of news and entertainment. So from all of us here at The Truth, thank you. Without your support, conditioning and hourly mandates to stop whatever you’re doing and listen, we’d probably be losing to some rebel pirate station. Remember, if you see or suspect another citizen is listening to rebel propaganda, report it to your nearest Ministry Peacekeeper, and take any Complacency Capsules they may prescribe you. >>> I’m receiving reports of a pile-up on Mega Highway Seven. A Ministry Healthcare truck has jack-knifed and its container has ruptured, releasing a thick cloud of unidentified gas onto the highway. As a precautionary measure, the highway entrance/exit airlocks have been sealed and Healthcare agents have been dispatched. If you’re on highway seven, close your windows, lock your doors and do not panic. As the Ministry says: Panic is the herald of societal decay. Any citizen experiencing panic, stress, fear, or any negative emotion should head to their local Relaxation Chamber, and breathe deeply. And now a word from our sponsors: >>> Feeling exhausted? Do you always find yourself low on energy? Struggling to stay awake? We here at Pepsi know how that feels. That’s why we’ve been working around the clock on ground-breaking radioactive isotope research, and we’re proud to present Pepsi-152. Just one can a day will give you more energy than you’ve ever had before! Pepsi. The taste sensation you can’t escape. >>> Alright, you’ve been sending your questions in all through Solar phase one, now it’s time for The Great Inquisition! Little Tommy in Sector Nine asks: “Where has my mommy gone?” Well Tommy, the Ministry told me personally that your mommy has been selected! This means you won’t be seeing her again for a little while, but don’t be sad! They told me to let you know that she loves you very much, and that if you’re good, you’ll be able to join her soon. Clive in the Undercity asks: “What does the Sun look like?” Hi Clive! We haven’t had any contact with you guys, or whatever you’ve evolved into now, down below in over 50 cycles, it’s great to hear from you! As for the Sun, I couldn’t tell you. The thick clouds caused by The Eruption blocked out the sky a long time ago! But the Ministry Solar Globe is absolutely beautiful Clive, and provides us with all the warmth and light we’ll ever need. Imagine a giant glowing ball in the sk-Oh, I forgot! You don’t know what the sky is either. Well, just imagine a giant light bulb attached to the Undercity ceiling, illuminating everything under it. If you can still receive radio broadcasts, don’t worry Undercity. The Ministry have not forgotten about you. They have plans for you. |
Update
on the pile-up on Mega Highway Seven. The Ministry Healthcare
Department has declared the highway a Code Black Hazard Site, and the
unidentified gas has now been identified as a “Eugenic Enhancer,” the
Healthcare Department confirmed. It is, and I quote: “An experimental
substance aimed at improving the human genome, and bettering the lives
of all citizens.” Fortunately, there have been no injuries or fatalities
so far, even better, we now have a brand new race of Lizard people! To
all you new Lizardfolk tuned in and trying to claw your way out of your
cars on Mega Highway Seven, hello! I’m positive the Ministry will do its
absolute best to integrate you into society and provide you with a
wonderful life here in our fair city. Like I said before, try to stay
calm, and if you see a Healthcare agent, lay flat on the floor and let
them administer any sedatives they try to give you.
>>> Have you signed up for bi-monthly Thought Reassignment surgery yet? You should! Not only is it absolutely free, but any citizen who completes or survives a two month course will receive ten Food Tokens! All Healthcare professionals and Ministry officials recommend it, and I can vouch for it personally. I myself have had several Thought Reassignments, citizens, and let me tell you, I’ve never felt better! If you love the Ministry, and eating, visit your doctor and ask about Thought Reassignment surgery today. >>> Breaking news on the pile-up. The truck driver, now dubbed “Patient Zero” has escaped the highway quarantine, and is on the loose in the city. To avoid any further containment breaches, Ministry Healthcare agents have begun using lethal force on anyone possessing scales, a tail, or any other lizard-like qualities. This is of course, unfortunate for anybody who isn’t a Lizard-human hybrid, and just simply has a mild case of Scaleskin, although honestly, those people really should have submitted themselves for voluntary Recycling a long time ago. Scaleskin is just another lingering reminder of The Mistake, that we really don’t need in our new society. >>> A Ministry City Development official announced today that plans for a brand new Community Wellness and Enrichment center are underway. This new structure is going to have all of the amenities we’re already used to, such as multiple Relaxation Chambers, and a Positive Coercion Zone, to replace that old one that was destroyed in the Great Purging of Sector Five. Plus the very first Organ Donation Clinic! This is a great place for those special citizens who want to go the extra mile, and offer themselves to The Cause in a more physical and tangible way. Those who submit themselves mentally to the Ministry are, as you know, well rewarded. Now, you can give a little extra, and get even greater benefits. For more information on this fantastic new building, visit www.ministry.org.gov, the only website. >>> I’m receiving information that the incident on Mega Highway Seven is now over. Patient Zero was terminated inside a Magrail station in Zone Four. According to eyewitness reports, he was last seen cowering in a corner, mumbling, “I can barely remember their faces, tell Martha I love her” before Ministry Peacekeepers successfully initiated Protocol Five. I suppose we’ll have to continue onwards without our new lizard brethren, there’s no place for them in this shining future. But perhaps that’s for the best, as the Ministry says, change is a “revolting concept” that should be avoided at all costs. Remember: Hope through Purity, Purity through Conformity. That’s all I have time for in this DayCycle. As always, I am DJ 675-A, and you’ve been listening to the Truth FM. Stay tuned for approved advertisements, and inexorable static.
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